Practical Don'ts

In her kitchen, my mother had unstated rules. Don't use canned food. Don't dawdle - cook and eat as fast as you possibly can. Don't underestimate the power of a pinch of cayenne. Don't bake because Publix has great pastries. Don't forget the bread in the oven. Don't bother going out if you want a great meal, because let's face it, there isn't a single restaurant in Plantation FL that can measure up to the food you get at home (our opinion.) Don't forget the milk.
           In spite of the rules, cooking a meal in my mother's kitchen was a creatively unruly affair. Recipes could change course mid-dice, or be embellished and expanded. We were constantly scrambling for ingredients, and the kitchen was a mess when she got done. At the same time, cooking was fun and spontaneous. So it surprised me when I across this page of Don'ts, randomly stuck in one of her cookbooks. It seemed like the act of another incarnation of my mother - the new bride and immigrant who wanted to do things just so: American way. The vintage of the graphics confirms this. It looks like it’s from the late 50s or early 60s, when my parents met and married. And the tone of the list has an Eisenhowerish Ten Commandment finger-wagging feeling that was not at all my mother's nature, but maybe just what she needed at the time.

I skulked my way down this list of Don'ts, shrinking a little more with every admonition. Don't buy food too far in advance, the author demands. Well, yes, I do. If I'm hungry and  shop at the Key Food, I come home with boxes of Entenmann’s – no harm done since they could outlast the Armageddon. But at the Coop, I'll end up with an oversupply of in-season vegetables. Witness the darling baby brussels sprouts huddled in their sweet netted bag at the bottom of the vegetable drawer, shriveling. I feel so sad about them I can hardly bear to toss them, and hold a tiny hope that they'll revive on their own. 
On the other hand, I’m amazed at how long that honey crisp apple has lasted. It’s possible that I bought it in ’09.

And I swear I cannot think of a single meal that I prepped with all ingredients and utensils set out like the army of ready soldiers – ever. The Don'ts author warns that “the butter will burn while you hunt out that wooden spoon.” This almost happened four hours ago! Luckily instead of butter I was using ghee, which is clarified butter that burns at a higher temperature (and deserves a post of its own.) See how I compensate for my shameful kitchen ways?

As for the rest of the Practical Don’ts? I did, I have, I do, and I probably will. But with the New Year, I am hoping to reform some of my bad culinary habits. Here is my personal list of Thou Shalt Nots in the kitchen. Some are easy to kick while others demand intervention.

• Don’t give dubious cream the curdle test using your husband’s coffee.
• Don’t try to cradle a cell phone on your shoulder while stirring risotto. And when you drop the phone in the pot, don’t expect Verizon to replace it for free. They can always tell.
• Don’t buy food packed in styrofoam, or order takeout in it. We recently boycotted our favorite burger joint because it packages fries in styrofoam.
• Don’t toss vegetable scraps and meat bones; freeze them for broths and help reduce landfill methane.
• Don’t rest the plastic handled spoon on the edge of a hot pot while the food cooks unless you want utensils that look like they've been gnawed by rodents.
• Don’t reveal to your children that you made those 'beast' chocolate chip cookies by spooning ready-made dough out of a plastic wrap tube. They can never tell. Or if they do they don't really care.
• Don't eat foods that are genetically modified.
• Don’t accept menus, unwanted condiments, napkins or utensils from takeout restaurants. You have everything you need at home. 

• Don't get stuck in old food habits.
• Don’t try to conceal from your family the little burned parts of French toast with powdered sugar. They can always tell.
• Don't forget to pay homage to your family, friends, chefs, and favorite TV cook show hosts for your favorite recipes.
• Don’t scoop the quarter cup of diced onions that fell on the floor into the saute pan – unless you’re just serving your family
• Don’t give your favorite recipes to people who shun ingredients that are critical to its success (eg, salt) because it will taste terrible and it will make you look bad.
•  Don’t try to peel hot roasted peppers with your bare hands; just put them in a paper bag and they'll practically peel themselves (see The Cook Off Chronicles, Part 3)
• Don’t swear off recipes that feature butter - because you only live once.

I'm sure I have more. What are your Practical (or impractical) Don’ts? Send me a rule, a habit that you reformed and/or, best of all, a story about it. Don't underestimate the power of a don't.